Ep. 68- Patty's Story

Becky and Autumn sit down with Patty to share her story. Patty is a single mom of four and loves to watch movies, play games, do yard work, play the piano, and read.

Patty shares how, in childhood, she always attended church. At fourteen years of age, she began to understand that Jesus was her Savior and God was important. Even though she didn’t have a very personal relationship with Him at that time, she started to lean on God as she became a young adult.

When she was pregnant with their second child, Patty’s husband disclosed that he’d been looking at a lot of porn. She was upset with God. “There were several days I refused to pray to Him,” Patty says.

A couple of years later, Patty asked her husband about his porn use. She shares how her husband admitted to porn use but used minimizing language. She describes the accompanying behaviors she noticed in her husband: “I saw that he would go to other things as well. If he was unhappy with something, I saw that he went shopping or turned to food. I started to notice how differently he would treat me during this time.”

I had devastating feelings of ‘I don’t really matter. I’m not really that important.’ I didn’t talk to anybody about it.

Patty shares that when they had four young children, she started to take some personal time for herself—and getting resistance from her husband. Over time, she explains feeling proud of herself for learning how to state her needs around doing things for herself. She started to be able to connect the dots, understanding that her husband’s behavior towards her had to do with a sexual addiction. He began attending meetings, but Patty didn’t understand that she, too, needed help.

I labored under this idea that if he would stop, I’d be fine.

Patty shares that eventually, she began attending recovery meetings for loved ones, but she didn’t want to be there. “I wanted a giant eraser to get rid of all of that in my life. I wanted it to be gone.” She committed to attending thirteen meetings. When Patty confided in a longtime friend about her husband’s addiction, that opened up a whole new world of connection for her.

Still, there was a block around this problem in Patty’s relationship with God.

I didn’t want to pour out my heart to God about this because that would mean it was true.

Patty explains how when she took time between weekly meetings to do her own study, her relationship with God began to shift. She also began learning about boundaries and emotional safety.

Patty describes her eventual ability to discern her husband’s behaviors. “I knew by how he was behaving that it was bad,” she says. One night, God woke her up and said, “He’s still practicing deceit. He needs to move out.” Learning this caused Patty to wrestle with God.

It was physically painful. It hurt so bad to know what I needed to do.

Asking her husband to move out for a while helped Patty understand that she truly could advocate for herself, even though it was difficult.

It seemed contradictory to break up a family, but when God gives you personal revelation, that’s far more important than any ideas you have for yourself.

Patty shares that the separation helped her to focus on what she wanted and to see that things really could feel different in her life when she was not living with an addict. When he returned to the home, Patty was able to more easily notice when things started going bad again and could stand up for herself. Patty explains how she felt peace when she eventually realized she needed to divorce. “I recognized this was getting really serious and it was a never-ending cycle. I recognized that (my husband) didn’t understand boundaries…I knew he did not understand how damaging this was for me.”

Although previous attempts at therapy had been damaging, Patty shares how during the divorce process, she found another therapist who guided her in trauma work, which helped her see huge steps of progress.

When asked how she’s finding restoration through Christ, Patty shares how Christ is helping her restore her virtue. “The feeling in my home is what I’ve always wanted. My character is coming back. I am loving. I am tender. I am spontaneous. My dreams had been shattered. But I can have that hope and dream again. How that’s to be fulfilled is yet to be seen and that’s okay with me because I feel so much patience now.”

We are more powerful than we know. 

When the Lord’s backing us up, we’ve got all the power we need to do what’s right for us.

Patty’s Recovery Resources:

Rise Up Restored Podcast

Addiction Recovery Program support book and meetings

Scripture study

Family and Friends

Isaiah 40:31

Patty’s song: Katy Nichole “Hold On”