Ep. 37- Q&A #5- Separations

Becky, Tiffany, and Autumn, and Becky’s husband, Richard, sit down to discuss separations. Gleaning from their years of experience on this topic as it relates to sex addiction and betrayal trauma, they talk about the varied reasons to enter into a separation and ideas on how to make it work.

For Tiffany, there were two reasons she entered into separations with her now-former husband. One was boundary violations, and the other was to give one another space to breathe and reset.

Autumn’s experience with in-home separations had to do with slips her husband had, as well as her feeling so distraught after disclosures that she couldn’t be in the same room as her husband. She explains that separations can help with bottom lines and boundaries.

Becky feels there were three things that saved her marriage with Richard: honesty, putting in the work and changing, and having a controlled separation.

She explains that a controlled separation was intentionally used to save the marriage, not as a step toward divorce. The separation involved a contract document that included an expected timeframe, agreed upon boundaries, and was presented in a therapeutic setting. 

For Becky, her controlled separation couldn’t have come at a better time: 

“I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t function. I was working really hard, but when he came around me, I was triggered all the time.”

The podcast hosts discussed timeframes of their separations and how it was important to establish guidelines and boundaries about the details beforehand. 

Becky explains that, “It was weird and hard. I wasn’t being mean…I was really worried he would say, ‘Screw you’ and leave….but I was trying to say, I want to fight [for the marriage], this is really important to me, but I’m struggling and I can’t do this when we’re in the same place.”

All of the hosts agreed that there’s a lot of surrender in the separation process. Tiffany shares that when you have controlled separation: 

“It’s in God’s hands now, and when you come back together you can be more intentional about what you hold onto.”

One of the hardest parts of this process is knowing when to have a separation. Tiffany reminds us that it’s individual for every person and that using prayer and trying to discern our intentions for doing it can help us decide.

Tiffany also shares that praying helped her feel guided to know what to do. Autumn explains that she felt comfortable to end the separations when her husband was disclosing his actions and she was feeling validated and in a safe space where she could be vulnerable and open.

Becky explains that it’s really important to recognize that our spouses are not going to be perfect: 

“Changing takes time. It’s important to be reasonable. But also set the bar up there because you want him to be fighting. I’m worth it and he’s worth it.”

When discussing the advantages of doing a controlled separation, Autumn explains how God showed up for her. She also gained more love for her husband during the separation. Becky shares how it helped her recognize her strength and guided her to stand in her power.

Becky’s husband Richard shares his experiences with their controlled separation. He shares he was grateful Becky had the courage to ask for it, and even though it was one of the best things they could have done, it was incredibly hard. “[Before the separation] I was really stuck,” says Richard. “We struggled to separate our emotional states.” But Richard wanted better for their marriage. “It was challenging, but I was able to breathe. I have had to learn that I have needs and rights. I’ve struggled with taking care of myself. I recognized that I needed some breathing room and space.”

Richard shares how helpful it was to have a therapeutic break. It was during that time that:

“The Lord picked up the slack and taught me where she (Becky) couldn’t talk.”

He explains, “For the first time in fifteen years, I wasn’t being watched all the time….I learned what it felt like to be me again without her anxiety, stress, and control…Our nervous systems calmed down…It was good and I was incredibly thankful afterward.”

Becky, Autumn, and Tiffany remind us that, ultimately, no therapist or friend should tell you what to do. 

Take it to God. He will guide you to what the right step is for you.

Autumn’s song choice:

“I’m Listening” by Chris McClarney

This song talks about going to God and listening to what He has to tell us.

Specific recovery resources:

Take it to the Lord

Boundaries

Increasing self-care