Ep. 26- Anonymous Q&A #3- Surrender & Love

Becky, Autumn, and Tiffany sit down together to answer anonymous questions submitted by listeners about betrayal trauma.

Question #1:  “What is surrender?  What is the difference between surrender and just giving up?”

Autumn shares that her husband she says that she felt she had to have a lot of control for the first 18 months of their recovery and was sad and upset all the time.  She shares she had a very distinct moment in her kitchen, kneeling and telling Heavenly Father that she couldn’t live that way anything.  Autumn says that He told her that if she gave Him her husband, He would heal her life.  She had surrendered before but that was a big moment for her, realizing that she needed to rely a lot on the Lord.  Her surrendering involved her thought processes, looking at his phone, and more.  It was hourly, daily, weekly, monthly and over the last 14 years, it has gotten smaller to a couple times a year.  But she shares she still has to surrender.  And it isn’t just her husband she needs to surrender.  She says she is surrendering her kids, her feelings, situations. Giving up is just “I am done” and walk away, where surrenderer is giving it over to God.  

“I am giving you control and letting you handle this.”

Tiffany says she received a lot of concern from family members as she was working to surrender.  Surrender is not about being “ok with things” but it is about surrendering things to God so that you can take the right steps.  “When I handle it on my own, I am not doing it right.  Once I surrender, I can take my part and the steps that will make a difference for myself and loved ones”.  She shares an experience when she was crying for hours and hours.  She finally cried out and said, “I cannot do this anymore” and says she experienced an immediate lightening of the burden being lifted.  She shares that she knew the Savior was there.  Tiffany says that the peace that floods her life, body, and her spirit when she surrenders is unmistakable.  

Becky says that surrender is something that she had to learn with time. She had to find healing in her relationship with God because she believes “Surrender is an act of faith”.  She feels that surrender is saying I trust that you (Lord) will hold this, that I trust that you know what’s best for me, what’s best for the other person.  She says she didn’t trust God to know what was best for her, her family, and her husband for a long time. Becky shares that she thought she was surrendering by just saying “Well there is nothing I can do so here we go….”. But the Lord saved the relationship and the Lord mended that relationship.

When I was able to connect surrender to faith, that’s where it started clicking for me.

With betrayal trauma, Becky shares that so much was out of her control; her relationship, even her own body.  Then suddenly she found she did have control over things and she found she had some security, even if it was not necessarily safety and peace.  Becky reminds us that it important to make sure you have physical, emotional, and mental safety.  She believes that before she could get to that surrender phase, she needed to go through a strong control phase and it felt really scary to let go of that.

Tiffany asks that after having been to a surrender place, looking back , how does that control place feel?  Autumn shares that surrender is regulation for her- a regulated response, a regulated feeling.  Peace.  

Question #2: “I don’t know if I love him anymore.  He is working hard but I don’t feel love.  What do I do?”

Tiffany says that this is an excellent place for surrender and for self-acceptance and sitting with things for a while.  It’s understandable and it’s a valid feeling.  She shares she seeks the peace to know what to do.  Tiffany also says that Time is very important.  She says to give yourself time to really process those feelings.  Everything is shifting, everything has changed, she says.  She also reminds us that this doesn’t mean you have to make any decisions right away.  

Take time to honor and figure out how you feel and decide what the right way to move forward is.

Autumn shares a personal experience with this that her husband shared that he fell out of love with her.  She says that hearing that as a spouse is very heartbreaking and heart wrenching. She shares that his prayers changed, and he asked, “Lord show me the ways that I love my spouse again.  Show me how I love her.”  Autumn says was REEAALLLY mad!  So, then her therapist asked her what ways she could show love.  For a year she sent him a message every day that said three things that she loved about him.  Autumn believes that two people going in a congruent direction, trying to find the Lord and reconciliation, that there is going to come a time when they will probably join again.  She shares she does have friends who are divorced and that doesn’t mean they didn’t try to work things out.

Becky shares she has learned different definitions of love.  There is romantic love with two brand new people in a relationship.  But, she says, there is a deeper love that comes from sharing a life, from sharing hardships, from sharing that journey.  It’s different.  And it’s even more precious.  Becky says that she is not one who says that for sure you will fall back in love, but it takes work. In this moment, because there is so much hurt, don’t make a decision.  If it is safe to stay and work, I would encourage people to work.

Tiffany notes that in the question, the listener said her loved one is working and she believes that if there is hard work happening, change will come.  And you are the only one who can know what that looks like for you and where that will take you.  She reminds us all that this is going to take time.  Many therapists say that it is good to give it a year before making big decisions and usually some more time.  Tiffany shares that we both need to be doing our work and that both people need to be on that congruent path in the hopes that you will come back together.  

That brokenness is going to take some healing.

It’s valid and understandable that you don’t feel “in love”.  Or any love at times.  But change can happen.  Especially if there is hard work.

#3- Becky, Tiffany, and Autumn then finish out the podcast by sharing their personal thoughts on Love.

Tiffany starts by sharing her thoughts, as someone who has been divorced for 3 years, she shares that this is a really hard topic for her.  It is a work in progress for her.  She shares that 

Love is when I am acting authentically and caring about someone else

She continues that she feels if she is doing something that she feels is best, then she is acting in love.  If she is acting according to her inspiration, then she feels she is acting in love.  Tiffany shares that her divorce was the most gut-wrenching, horrible process of her whole life.  “I divorced my husband, and I did that in love.  It was the last thing I could do for him.  I knew he needed it. I knew I needed it.  And so out of 100% love, I divorced him”.  Becky expressed that it sounded so strange, but it makes sense. Tiffany said she had to know she had done everything could possibly do, left no stone unturned and knew God wanted it.  And now, she is not in love with him, but she does love him and wants the very best for him.  She also shares she doesn’t know what the ‘in love” part looks like anymore.  “But I know love and I am grateful to have felt that kind of love, too.”

Becky shares that love Tiffany was talking about is so close to what God’s love is for us it.  He always wants the best for us.  Becky reminds us that doesn’t mean we don’t have boundaries and we don’t take care of ourselves.  But, does that mean I can love the imperfectness of other people?  I can.

My perspective has shifted to looking at everyone through the Lord’s eyes, because His eyes are always the eyes of love.

Becky shares that she has also been working to try and translate this into loving herself a little more and a little better, because she can be really hard on herself.  She says that when she keeps in mind how much the Lord loves her; He would never want me to be hard on myself.  

The Lord would never want me to beat myself up for mistakes I have made.

Autumn shares that when we go to a human being for our validation and love, at some point that human being is going to fail, because they are human.  Including ourselves.  So, practicing going to God for his validation and love is so important because His love is perfect.  She says she feel like once you have his validation and can see others thorough his eyes, then you can reciprocate that love.  

Autumns also shares that for romantic love she likes to have a weekly date with her husband, a time where you can just converse with each other and not just about your kids.  She also says taking time to look into each other’s eyes and doing the “Sway Every Day”- take a dance every day (when you can).  Autumns says that there are things you can do to feel connected and be in love, including sexual intimacy in a health way.

Becky shares that love is individual and extremely personal.  When she talks about loving her children, it is for all different aspects of each one.  When it comes to loving her husband, it is extremely individual and personal.  Based on his needs and based on her needs.  Based on their interactions.  One example of a small act of love sitting together one evening a week and just learning more about about each other.  Becky also says that time can equal a lot of love because we are all really busy.  With her kids, when she takes the time to be with them, it makes a big difference.  It can be short periods of time when you are alone in the car with them.  It’s not about grilling them and questioning them.  It’s about spending the time together.

Autumn loved a quote she recently found-

Let God have you and let God love you!

Tiffany shares that allowing love can feel so hard and Autumn shares that feeling unlovable was one of her core shames for a long time.  Becky says when she had started finding some healing and the thought of allowing my husband to love her again was very scary.  She says it was so scary to open her heart, even just a little bit.  

Tiffany invites viewers to practice allowing and receiving love and Autumns acknowledges that it takes a lot of vulnerability and surrender to do that!

Thank you for all your questions and comments! We know by asking and answering them, many others will be helping in their healing journey.

Please continue to send in your anonymous questions through Facebook, Instagram, the website, or email them to Becky@riseuprestored.com

Song chosen by Tiffany:

“Live Like You’re Loved” by Hawk Nelson

The song is a reminder of God’s love for us and to remind us to practice living that way.  The message of the song is so powerful.  You are loved, you are deserving of love, you are worthy of love, so Live Like You’re Loved.

Specific Recovery Resources: 

God’s Love

Seeing others through God’s eyes

Boundaries

Self-compassion

Personal healing work