Ep. 5- What is Betrayal Trauma? Beckie Hennessy, LCSW

Becky and Autumn sit down with therapeutic professional Beckie Hennessy, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, owner of BRICKS Family Counseling.  Beckie is APSATS (Associate Partner of Sex Addicts Trained Specialist) trained and a CCPS-candidate (Certified Clinical Partner Specialist) and works with partners of sex addicts in her practice.

Beckie began her career working on a children’s trauma team and as she began working with partners of addicts, she saw very similar behaviors.  She realized that trauma is trauma and started treating partners of addicts with general trauma interventions.  In 2009, it all came together for Beckie when she learned about betrayal trauma through Barbara Steffens’ book “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”.  She has been trained specifically for betrayal trauma and has found that specialized treatment is so beneficial for partners of sex addicts.

Beckie shares a definition of trauma and that trauma is very individual.  She shared that things effect each individual differently and whether something is traumatic or not depends on the person.  What is traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another person.  Betrayal trauma (or relational trauma) is often called “attachment injuries”.  This trauma is 

when one person betrays, abandons, or refuses to provide support for another with whom he or she has developed an attachment bond.

Beckie shares that this trauma is something that can happen when you are in a relationship with someone.  It can be a relationship with a parent, spouse, sibling, anyone you have a relationship with.  If there is an attachment there, there is the possibility of attachment injuries.  Many individuals that Beckie sees come in, usually after discovery or disclosure, and talk about what is going on side their minds and in their body.  These symptoms parallel the signs of general trauma.  If her book, Dr. Steffens found that a HIGH percentage of individuals coming in (primarily women but men as well) had symptoms that resembled PTSD.  Not everyone who has been betrayed has PTSD, but trauma is trauma.  And the symptoms were showing up the same.

So, what does trauma look like?  Again, Beckie says, this can be very individual but like general trauma, betrayal trauma can manifest to look like other things- anxiety, depression, ADHD.  And as they work and look deeper, often time there is some kind of trauma present.  Beckie discusses what betrayal trauma can look like mentally and physically (which can include confusion, feeling scatter-brained, nightmare, racing heart, upset stomach, shortness of breath, and more…).  Many times partners come into Beckie’s office and report the “Feel like (they are) crazy!” and want help.

Beckie shares how she supports those who are experiencing betrayal trauma.  Through her training, she has learned to recognize that safety needs to be the first things addressed, then they can move on to dealing with the issue (mourn and deal with the trauma piece), and then work to reintegrate and reconnect to the world, the individual, and their life.

Every single time I start with safety!

Establishing physical safety is the first priority!  Once physical safety is addressed, mental, spiritual, emotional safety is next.  Beckie says partners just want to feel safe, want to feel like they can trust, they just want to know which way is up.  A lot of behaviors that show up at the beginning, that look “crazy” from the outside, Beckie shares that the partner is just seeking safety.  And this safety can continue to be established when the basics are taken care of- eating three meals a day, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep.  

This safety is vital to move forward through and although the trauma piece explains the behavior but it’s also important to remember that it doesn’t excuse the behavior.  Beckie wants to support people in through their healing.  The key word being “through”.  It is the difference between being in survival mode and staying in victim mode, the difference between post-traumatic growth and a victim mentality.  Beckie shares that there is a difference between “hunkering down and stay there versus hunkering down and seeing that ‘this hurts’, taking a breath, and standing back up”.  Beckie notes that 

it is important not to put a timeline on healing

This is not something that will be all better after a month.  Being patient with yourself is the key to this.  It takes time to find safety and be able to learn coping skills and how to feel grounded in hard situations.

Beckie talks about safety through boundaries.  Boundaries are about the partner and what will be allowed in the partner’s life.  It isn’t about controlling the behavior of others.  The key is the focus on what you will and will not allow in your life.  Beckie shares the difference between a boundary and a rule and how important it is to share your boundaries with your spouse, or it isn’t a boundary.

Boundaries are HUGE part of safety.

Beckie shares that ways for friends, family members, ecclesiastical leaders too support those experiencing betrayals trauma.  She shares that first- it is not your job to save or fix them. That is what the Savior is for.  Next she stresses empathy and compassion for the betrayed partner.  It is important to be consistently patient, loving and there for them.  Next, Beckie cautions us to not “should” on anyone.  One way of handling hard situations will not be the same for everyone.  Just because something worked for a neighbor, doesn’t mean help this partner.  

Forgiveness and trust are NOT the same thing.

Finally, Beckie shares that there is a big difference between forgiveness and trust.  We are commanded to forgive but we are not commanded to trust.  The scriptures are clear about this.  Christ did not trust everyone and that is a good example for all of us.  Trust only comes after safety.

Everyone gets to use the God filter.

Beckie reminds us that the only individual we have to trust is God.  We can take everything too Him and be guided to make decisions for ourselves.  Giving yourself and others time is important.  Partners need time to deal with their trauma and find safety before trusting can be part of the equation.

Beckie is a Christian-based therapist and she has come to find that therapy goes much quicker if God and Jesus are involved.  She is a huge believer that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can fix anything.  God may not take the pain, but He will sit right next to you in it.  He will not leave you in it, even if He doesn’t take it.  He is absolutely in it with you, even if you don’t want Him to be.  Even if you are mad at Him.  Beckie shares that many people come in and are just hanging on and they need to let go and just be held by God.

God is not going anywhere.  He is going to stay by you.

Beckie’s Recovery Resources:

APSATS website- https://www.apsats.org

Beckie’s Podcast- The Path of Imperfection (soon to be The Path of Connection)

Beckie’s Song:

“Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns