Ep. 63- Self-Compassion with Shelley Dunford-Hardy, LMFT

The Rise Up Restored Podcast Christmas Gift this year is an episode on self-compassion!

Tiffany and Becky are joined by licensed and experienced therapist Shelley Dunford-Hardy. Shelley’s masters degrees in Clinical Psychology and Spiritual Psychology have brought greater focus on self-compassion as an important tool in her work as a therapist.

Shelley shares some of the research in the field that self-compassionate people tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction, resilience, motivation, better relationships and personal health… She shares additional research that the biggest predictor of happiness and overall fulfillment in life is love. The most important relationship any of us can have is with ourselves, which is why self-compassion is so vital for all of life’s ups and downs.

“The priority is not my kids, spouse, or job; it’s lining up with myself, my High Power, my humanness, and my soul.”

Shelley defines compassion as sensitivity to pain or suffering of another, coupled with a deep desire to alleviate that suffering. She goes on to explain that self-compassion is having that same feeling of sensitivity and oneness with the other, putting your arm on them, trying to soothe, but not getting out of the suffering and instead leaning into it. Shelley shares that most people are afraid because they think when they go into the pain, they will never come back out again. But that isn’t what self-compassion is for.

We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. We have to go through it.

Shelley continues to share more of what self-compassion is not: it is not selfishness, it is not “should”-ing on yourself or judging yourself, it is not critical, it is not a pity party, and it is not self-esteem.

Shelley outlines the three parts of self-compassion: loving self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness and awareness. With loving self-kindness, we can be supporting, encouraging, and understanding to ourselves. Recognizing our common humanity helps us to realize we are all imperfect, and none of us are totally unique or totally alone. Pain is part of the human experience. Remembering this can transform our pain into a moment of connection with other people and ourselves. Becoming aware of our pain, and the mindfulness to just be with our pain and suffering long enough to respond with care and kindness helps us move into the healing.

“Pain is magic. Suffering is tragic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming.” ~ Glennon Doyle

Shelley recommends several resources to help develop a regular practice of self-compassion, including a nightly check-in with herself. She recommends the Self-compassion website and Workbook by Kristin Neff, and reminds listeners that this is all about growth. Once we are grounded in self-compassion, then we can become open to compassionate self-forgiveness, which is to be an UPCOMING episode on the podcast.

Self-compassion is a great way to learn to treat ourselves as a friend and ally.

Shelley’s Recovery Resources:

The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Cristopher Germer

What Happened to You? by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

self-compassion.org - website by Dr. Kristin Neff

Shelley’s song: “What Do You Hear in These Sounds” by Dar Williams