Ep. 47- Nicole's Story

Becky and Autumn sit down with Nicole. Nicole lives in Idaho with her husband of 17 years and three children. She works in HR and recently started doing consulting work. Nicole loves decorating to make the house a home.

Growing up, Nicole felt like she had a good relationship with God but that she didn’t have many faith trials. She shares that her parents were earnest and full of faith, and that pornography or sex were not discussed in the home. She served a proselytizing mission for her church and thought that was the pinnacle of her faith and has since realized it wasn’t. The biggest struggle for her was that her dream of having a family and children wasn’t realized early in her life, and she questioned God’s plan for her.

I’m grateful my faith keeps growing.

Going into her marriage, Nicole was aware that her husband had some “problems” but did not understand the reality of his addiction. Two years into their marriage, Nicole was swallowed in overwhelming grief at the loss of their stillborn baby. At this time her husband received support from their clergy, but Nicole was not offered the same support. Eventually they found discussing his behavior to be too uncomfortable and stopped talking about it. Reflecting back, Nicole recalls her naivety regarding pornography and during their honeymoon years shared that she had friends who vowed to never marry someone with that problem. Becky reminds Nicole that she was not dumb to have missed things, recognizing that she had no experience or understanding that…

Good people can and do struggle with sexual addiction.

Leading up to her birthday 3 years later, Nicole felt a very specific question pop into her head, “do I really have a relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ?”. Nicole leaned into that and started becoming closer to her Savior. On her birthday, she received the “atomic bomb” disclosure from her husband, with additional details trickling out over the next few weeks. Looking back, Nicole was able to feel her Savior with her that night. Nicole spent days walking around in a fog and thinking she was having a bad dream.

I’m going to wake up and my life will be normal again.

Nicole describes the difficulty in putting on an “I’m okay” face for others while actually crying when she was alone. She rode a constant roller coaster of hope and despair and felt isolated. Nicole felt shame surrounding her husband’s addiction and felt like they would never have friends who would associate with them. A week after the disclosure she met with a friend and found it terrifying and hopeful to open up to a safe person. Nicole learned about Betrayal Trauma and through various podcasts realized that they weren’t the only ones struggling with sexual addiction in their marriage. Eventually Nicole felt the desire to reach out to her bishop to ask for support as well. Nicole shares her gratitude for an ecclesiastic leader who cared about her and was willing to do laps in the church parking lot to support her. “He told me that me reaching out to him taught him that he needed to help other women.” 

I would tell any woman to be an advocate for yourself.

Nicole shares that light began to enter her life as she began attending local support groups and working the 12 Steps of Healing Through Christ. Through her step and group work, Nicole found other sisters she could talk to and experienced greater hope as a result. Together Nicole and her husband started attending Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA) and continue to attend now. Learning more about Sexual Addiction and Betrayal Trauma, Nicole and her husband started to change the way they did everything. In particular, they began communicating deeper and more frequently. Nicole shares that she needed to learn to be honest in her own recovery, including what her needs are and what emotions she feels.

Recovery has been a lot of awareness and putting words to how I feel and how things affect me.

Nicole has found self care to be a vital part of her recovery. She has enjoyed walking with friends because it provides for her emotional and physical care. She advocates for her husband to support her with the kids so she can care for herself in this way. Nicole shares that helping other women in their recovery journey focus on self-care is a good accountability piece for her own self-care. Autumn emphasizes how great it is that Nicole is working her own recovery and is leaving her husband’s recovery to him. Nicole shares,

No matter where you end up, that focus on self is universal for anyone who’s experienced betrayal.

Looking back through her journey, Nicole loves to acknowledge the hands her Heavenly Father has had in her life. Through her Betrayal Trauma experiences, Nicole has learned to truly lean on the Savior’s Atonement as it covers all things, and to make Him a part of her daily life. Their recovery journey has brought a beautiful restoration into their life. Now Nicole’s birthday is more of an Anniversary of their fresh start.

There’s a constant process of learning. I’m trying to learn to continually involve my Heavenly Father and Savior in that growing process.

Nicole’s Recovery Resources:

Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA)

Walking with girlfriends

Women’s Support Group and Sisterhood

Contemporary Christian Music

Nicole’s Song:

“Wounds” by Jordan Feliz