Ep. 53- Heather's Story

Becky and Tiffany finally welcome Heather to the podcast. Heather describes herself as a simple, everyday crazy person who is mom to her herd of small humans. She loves to be outside, especially the mountains. Heather is a teacher and hammock-lover and enjoys trying new things.

Heather describes knowing at the young age of four that God was alive, around her, and answered her prayers. Growing up she felt very connected to her Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. She can remember many times where she witnessed miracles, had experienced angels helping her, or knew God was standing with her.

I looked for Him. I expected Him to be there. I put Him there, and He’d show up.

Heather describes growing up with her first husband, and how their relationship developed from friends to dating and eventually to marriage after graduating college. Three months into their relationship, Heather learned about his addiction when he lost his job because of acting out on the work computer. Heather enacted some boundaries that she thought may help, but inside she felt so alone and broken. 

The next many years included recurrent relapses that Heather would discover, then reassurances that things were okay. When she recommended 12 Step, her husband would attend and got nothing out of it. Heather realized that if he wasn’t attending for himself, it was worthless to go at all. Over time she felt more and more lost, her husband lost more and more jobs, and she felt like she was watching everything slip away. Heather would later learn about the intentional isolation her husband was creating around her. At the time, she felt like she had no family or neighbors or church friends who cared about her. She began experiencing intense anxiety and chose to be hospitalized to receive help.

At her lowest point, Heather felt close to suicidal. She reached out to her husband, sister, and work friends for help. Her sister and work family showed up for her. Her husband’s response of nothing dropped the world out from under her. At that point she felt God’s voice clearly.

It’s time. You’ve done enough. It’s time to walk away.

As she initiated the separation and divorce, Heather began to realize the amount of emotional abuse and isolation she had been put through. She started to process her shame that his addiction had been her own fault. As she worked on herself, she began to rediscover herself. Her children even noticed a difference in her demeanor and the lighter feeling in their home. Heather realized how many people in her life had been waiting for the opportunity to step in and love her, and she suddenly felt their support once she was no longer being kept in isolation.

I got to find out who I was.

Heather realized that she had been hiding in shadow. She threw out her muted wardrobe and began to find herself in light and colorful things. Becky validates her experience, sharing that sometimes depression and anxiety get so heavy we cannot see how dark it is or how dark we feel.

Tiffany and Heather discuss that sometimes staying in a marriage would lead to worse consequences than divorce. It is a testament to how hard the marriage is when it is a better situation to step away. Tiffany shares that she also heard the same words from God, “It’s time.”

If God’s saying it’s better for me to divorce, then it’s going to be better for my kids too.

Heather describes that the painful divorce process would not have been possible without the Lord. She describes processing her anger and realizing that God is a big man and can handle big emotions. She would visualize God or angels listening to her and then just hugging her and staying with her through it. She shares that there were times she could literally feel the hands of angels helped to calm her anxiety when it was intense.

Heather’s ecclesiastical leader recommend therapy for her. She found an amazing woman who helped her to feel safe and secure. She quickly learned that she loves therapy and looks forward to attending weekly. She likes the opportunity to dig in and realize things about herself.

Heather shares that after divorce she was excited to learn more about herself in the dating world. She heard God’s voice guide her to swipe up on someone she originally swiped down on. That lead to a conversation with Josh, someone she found so easy to talk to. Heather continued to hear God’s voice, as he informed her that Josh would be disclosing an addiction. Almost immediately, Josh texted to share his full history with sexual addiction, including an excommunication from his church. Josh telling Heather that his addiction has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with his own choices was the first time Heather realized the same was true of her first husband’s addiction. Heather appreciated Josh’s honesty and the gift of using her own agency to choose if she wanted to continue the relationship.

Heather describes how frequently God continued to speak to her throughout their courtship and new marriage. Her experience with addiction now carries no shame, and they speak openly with each other and others in their community about addiction and betrayal trauma. Heather shares that the way Josh treats his addiction, the way he treats her, and the way he treats himself are all completely different.

Working on healing is something that can strengthen a relationship if both people are in it.

Heather shares that she has realized that she did the best she could. That God loves her because of and in spite of and with her imperfections, and she is worthy with all of that. Realizing that their story isn’t over and it isn’t perfect, but that it can still be a tool to help others has propelled Heather and Josh to speak out.

God can use me now, even though I’m battered and bruised.

Heather knows that God taught her that she is enough, just as she is. She is no less worthy for her experiences. God is always there and His love for her will never change. She says that she may not have seen it when she was focused on her own pain, hurt, guilt, and shame, but that now she knows she is beloved and God has already made up the difference.

I’m enough. God loves me. That’s it. God loves me.

Heather’s Recovery Resources:

Redeemer by David Butler

Our family motto: seek Him, hear Him, act in Him

Daily Journal: where have I seen God today, where have I heard God today? How have I been His hand today?

Heather’s Song: Send Me Your Angels by Natalie Mabey