Betrayal hurts but there is something I can do about it
It all started when…
When I married my best friend, I knew he had a problem with pornography. But I didn’t understand how big the problem was at that time or how big of a problem it would become.
In the back of my mind, I thought that once we got married, pornography would drop out of his life, and we would just move forward into our lives. Boy, was I wrong.
The Early years….
The first few years of our marriage were the darkest years of my life. I was lied to and abandoned most days. Many days I was alone in our tiny apartment while my husband was acting out in his addiction.
For years I worked to do all that I could so he wouldn’t go act out. I cooked, I cleaned, I smiled more, I wore clothes he liked, I dyed my hair to look like he liked. We visited with ecclesiastical leaders who suggested we weren’t having sex enough, that we just needed to pray and read scriptures together more. I was often counseled that I needed to be kinder to my husband, that I needed to listen better and not complain so much, and that I needed to focus on forgiveness and forget everything else.
Because of this counsel, I held in the pain I was experiencing so I didn’t make my husband feel bad. I didn’t want him to leave me and go act out again. I made it my mission to be strong enough to handle my pain alone and do all that I could to help him not act out. I felt like he couldn’t do it without me and my pain would just make things harder for him. So I pushed all that pain inside and locked it away.
The deepest dark….
During these dark times, I plunged into a deep depression. I felt so hopeless and helpless that I just stopped functioning. I had three small children that needed me but I just could not see any light.
I could not rest or sit still, or sleep and many times felt like I was walking around in a fog. My thoughts were muddled and messy. There were times when I couldn’t put together full sentences. I couldn’t explain to my clergy exactly what was going on with me. Just that I was in immense pain.
I had been overweight most of my life and found myself eating more and more to numb my pain. I hurt so much that I didn’t let myself see that I was becoming morbidly obese.
I cried almost every day, in my bedroom, at the grocery store, at church, everywhere and anywhere. And most of the time, I couldn’t point to specific reasons right then for the tears. Many times, my hands would shake as I tried to just live my life.
I started to feel suicidal. I just wanted the pain of this intimate betrayal in my marriage to stop. I began to self-harm almost daily to distract myself from the constant pain of betrayal trauma.
In this deepest dark time of my life, I spent a period of time away from our church and pulled completely away from any relationship I had with God. I just couldn't see how anyone was there or could love me, so I withdrew into myself and focused on getting through each day, breathless and in pain.
Some light at last….
After many years and many bad therapists, we were able to find a qualified therapist who helped both my husband and I realize that we could find healing. And it was NOT through “trying harder”. We studied and learned about the nature of addiction and treatment for it. We learned about the trauma that my husband’s addiction had caused me. And we relearned about the Lord’s grace and mercy and healing.
I learned that I did NOT cause my husband’s out-of-control sexual behavior and I COULD NOT FIX IT! It wasn’t my job. And my attempts to fix it were only further damaging me.
This is Betrayal Trauma….
I learned that I was experiencing betrayal trauma from my husband’s addiction and that I needed to find my personal healing. I started working on my personal boundaries to find safety and peace in my life. Boundaries enabled me to help my nervous system calm down and my head started to clear. Over time and practice, I found more relief from the pain, more peace in the journey, and more safety in my life.
It is important to note here that my desire to help my husband handle his addictive sexual behavior was not a bad thing. I was not trying to control him. I was not enabling him. I learned that I was just trying to protect myself from being hurt. I was trying to protect my deep and important attachment bond with my husband. I was doing everything I knew to save those attachment bonds that had been so damaged by his addiction. I wasn’t supporting his addiction or making it easier for him to live in addiction. I was experiencing natural trauma responses and handling the pain the only way I knew how. We learned that his unwanted sexual behavior was 100% in his hands and my personal healing was my focus.
One of the biggest keys to my healing…
One of the biggest keys to my healing journey was mending my broken relationship with the Lord and letting Him FULLY restore me to even more than I was before. I have come to know that God is the only one who I can fully trust to NEVER hurt me or let me down. I had never had a relationship like that and didn’t know it was even possible.
As I found healing for my trauma and I offered my shattered heart to the Lord, I found that my relationship with Him deepened, and He filled in the broken parts of me with the healing salve of His love. My shattered heart was restored and the broken pieces and cracks from the pain and trauma were filled with gold, making it stronger and more beautiful than it ever was before.
Helping others find hope for healing and peace…
As I have worked on my healing, I have been drawn to helping others. I started volunteering as a peer mentor in women’s trauma groups and went back to school to become a clinical mental health counselor. As I support women experiencing betrayal trauma because of their loved one’s unwanted, out-of-control, compulsive, or addictive sexual behavior (whether it is pornography use, affairs, voyeurism, prostitution, etc.…), I have found that betrayal trauma is betrayal trauma. Your trauma needs to be witnessed, acknowledged, and hope offered. I hope these posts and podcast will bring you hope for peace and restoration.
